NFL Week 9 Headlines

by Graham McFetridge

PHI 49 – OAK 20:

Nick Foles throws a touchdown for each one of Michael Vicks Seven Deadly Sins

Local priests are adamant that there is no way in hell Vicks getting into heaven; and by hell they mean Philadelphia.

NE 55 – PIT 31:

Tom Brady does not want your sympathy, because he’s Tom Fucking Brady

After his 4 TD performance , Tom conducts a 4 word press conference: “I’m Tom Brady Bitch”

CLE 24-BAL 18:

Ray Rice reminds Fantasy owners of that old girlfriend that used to be hot, but has started to really let herself go. Conveniently, Fantasy Owners remind Ray Rice of the nerds he used to beat up in high school.

MIA 22 – CIN 20:

Andy Dalton comes crashing back to earth, leaving ginger tinted debris in his wake

Citizens in Cincinnati fear for their lives as playoff hopes collapse around them

KC 23 – BUF 17:

Chiefs beat Bills, improve to 9-0. Bills fans beat traffic, by leaving after the national anthem.

IND 27 – HOU 24:

Luck pulls off another late game come back; Redskins insist that they are still kind of “ok”  that they drafted RG3.

Meanwhile, Benched Matt Schaub compares his problem with pick-six’s to Fat Bastards eating disorder:  “I throw pick 6’s because I’m lonely, and I’m lonely because I throw pick sixes; it’s a vicious cycle”

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